Student Reflection: Finding God In Uncertainty

For everyone in the world, this year has been full of loosening grips and holding a little less tightly to our own plans and dreams. Sarah, one of Act Five’s students this year, has experienced some of that in her own life in this program. Keep reading to hear about how she’s learning to trust God – that He is here, He is mighty, and He is in control. 

What does it mean to be a faithful follower of Christ? That is something I am still wrestling with, not just before bed or in my dreams, but in the everyday activities of my day. Here at Act Five, we are given many opportunities and moments to reflect and journal our thoughts, and I have taken advantage of those precious moments and held on with a tight grip. Lately, however, I have been having this inner urge to push that away. I find myself writing, then putting the pen down on the table, then picking it back up again, asking the Lord, “What are you trying to tell me? Just let me hear your voice and see you in my life,” because I wouldn’t be able to see you right now even if I had a 20/20  vision. 

I can see God’s work in this home on Wednesday community dinners, when two people can make dinner for 21 individuals while trying to balance their own busy schedule. I see God at our house meetings, when we allow ourselves to humbly listen and respect our fellow housemates. And I see God working within each and every person at Blake Street when they are tired of having five people hovering over the sink brushing their teeth in the morning, or when there is not enough hot water while showering in the morning. Still, they wake up each and every morning, plant their feet and commit to one another. God is ever present in this home and that makes me hopeful, but when I pull the sheets over me at night on the top bunk, it is then just me, a young woman who is confused and worried. 

My first weekend back at Act Five I stayed in bed a bit longer than usual in the morning, trying to accept the sadness and confused feelings I am dealing with right now, and accept God’s will and His plan for me. This has not been easy for me, as I like to think of myself as having tough skin and to always be a steady person who shoves down upset feelings as far down as I possibly can to not come off as weak to others. But I realised through this pain that God is trying to tell me something. Something that I have been longing for for a long time now and I never addressed it. He is calling me to trust Him more and to stop being so controlling over my own life, to trust in His path for me and open my palms a little more so they do not break while I am carrying the load on my own. The truth is, I do not know how or when I will start to trust the Lord with life. Maybe it will happen next week, next year, or maybe when I am 60 and retired, sitting in a large red chair on a dock watching the sunset over the calm and peaceful water. What I do know is that I will continue to work hard, not trying to find all the answers but rather to live in the present and let God be the driver while I sit in the passenger seat with patience.